Christian Home Builder - Lesson 10

When Anger Hits Home

Background Information for the Teacher

Objectives:

The student will understand the role of anger as a normal secondary response to a deeper hurt or pain.
The student will be able to name five steps of managing anger.
The student will understand the use of the GIFT Exercise.

Preparation:

The teacher will want to look at the role of anger in the story of Jonah.
The teacher will want to prepare the Case Study and Learner Sheet.
The teacher may want to explore the GIFT and Digging Deeper Exercise from Beverly and Thomas Rogers, Healing Love; Ten Practical, Easy to Learn Techniques For Couples in Crises.

Theme:

This lesson is designed to help the student understand the role of anger in a Christian family relationship and how it can be managed through an understanding of its roots from a Biblical standpoint.

Lesson Plan for Conducting Class:

Introduction:

Prayer and announcements.
Review of last week's lesson.
Opening question: We, as adults, have hotspots or triggers that typically cause us to become irritated, frustrated and angry. Can you think of something that occurs, that causes you to feel a hotspot or trigger?

Learning Experiences:

The Mad Preacher Jonah:
1. Jonah is angry at God and runs away, Jonah 1:1-3.
  1. Jonah was a prophet to the nation of Israel, but God disrupted his ministry. He told Jonah to preach a message of mercy to Israel's most feared enemy, the Ninevites. This nation had tortured, plundered and killed God's people. Jonah thought Ninevah should be punished and receive the righteous indignation of the Lord.
  2. Jonah's anger put him in a downward spiral. Anger clouded his thinking. Instead of obeying God's call, he "paid the price of the ship” (the Hebrew suggests he chartered the boat rather than simply paying a fair). He headed 2,500 miles west instead of 600 miles east. His anger with God cost him dearly as the story unfolds.
2. He acted as if there was nothing wrong, Jonah 1:4-6.
  1. Jonah fell into a deep sleep in the bottom of the boat, oblivious to the reality that was around him. The Hebrew indicates he was in a trance- like state. Nothing affected him.
  2. God loved Jonah too much to leave him out of touch with life. God sent the captain to awaken him, the sailors to hurl him into the water, and a fish to swallow him. Everything was designed to bring Jonah back to his senses!
3. Jonah's anger at God, Jonah 3:10 - 4:11.
  1. When the Ninevites repented of their sin and God relented of His judgement, Jonah became angry (4:1). Frustration led to anger. Jonah became angry because he lost his physical comfort. A worm ate the vine that was providing shade for him. The sun scorched Jonah as he waited in anger to see what would become of Nineveh.
  2. God asked him if his anger was justified. Jonah felt it was, but God felt differently. The conversion of a Pagan city should have been much more important to Jonah than his personal comfort. Until he shared God's heart, Jonah would experience an anger that was damaging his soul.
4. In our next case, we will encounter a couple who needed to have their souls healed so they then could control their anger.
The case of Mike and Mandy: Pretend for a moment that you are a marriage counselor. A couple, Mike and Mandy, present themselves for their first session with you. They are a middle aged attractive couple who attend church regularly. They both seem well educated and articulate.
In the course of your first interview with them, their conversation quickly becomes blaming, loud and chaotic. Their heated discussion quickly erupts into a full-blown argument. It is very difficult for you to gain control of the conversation because both are very adept at attacking and accusing the other person. Charges fly as each angrily accuses the other of being responsible for all of the problems. As the session progresses you can see very little is being done that is productive.
What would you do with a couple this troubled?
Helping when anger hits home.
1. Checking the "Old Brain.” One of the first things we would want to check with is past childhood and relationship traumas. We would explain to Mike and Mandy that traumas that occur in childhood and past relationships are stored as memories in the primal part of the brain sometimes called the "Old Brain.” This is very important. The "Old Brain” has no sense of time. That means that a trauma or a wound that occurred at the age of five can still be remembered with the same threat and fear at age thirty-five. Also, this old part of our brain houses our defense mechanisms. If we have a perceived or imagined danger, it will react in a fight-or-flight manner. It really doesn't have the ability to be particularly rational or sensible. It cannot act only react.
  In talking with Mike and Mandy, we discover that Mike is the adult child of an alcoholic father and Mandy was physically abused by her mother. Like many wounded people, they are attracted to one another in an effort to understand and be understood. Their typical ritual is that one accuses the other of trying to control or dominate the situation. As the conflict escalates, both of them slip into their childhood roles and memories of abuse and pain. Ironically, their fighting replicates their own family-of-origin experiences. They are wounding each other's souls in much the same way their parents did.
2. Five Steps To Managing Conflict: Beverly and Thomas Rogers, Healing Love: Ten Practical, Easy To Learn Techniques For Couples In Crises.
  1. Step One: Ask "What does my mate do that triggers my anger?” (Mandy might say, "When Bill criticizes me about being late, I feel put down and unloved.”)
  2. Step Two: Identify the root of the anger using the GIFT Exercise.
    The GIFT Exercise is a simple way of looking at the power behind the anger. Anger normally exists for some reason. GIFT stands for Guilt, Inferiority, Fear or Trauma. Do any of these four exist in that person? If they do, take time out to examine that pain. It may be that it is "pain in the old brain.”
  3. Step Three: Ask "When have I felt that way before?” Mike might say when his father would criticize him for making bad grades, he would feel stupid and unable to meet his father's expectations. Today when Mandy criticizes him he erupts quickly.
  4. Step Four: "What was my response?” Did I hold in my anger and frustration and eventually explode? Did I hold it in and get depressed? Did I get angry, yell or be passive aggressive? Do I rationalize and blame others? We all have learned patterns of displaying our anger. The more we know about our own style, the better able we will be to begin to manage it.
  5. Step Five: "What is it that I really need?” "What is it that I really need from my spouse?” "Do I need to be noticed, appreciated, or understood?” "Do I need to feel more secure in a relationship?” Often, we know we are upset but we don't look at the root causes of it. What is going on inside of me that is fueling this anger?
3. Biblical guidelines for controlling anger.
  1. Ephesians 4:29, Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up.
  2. Ephesians 4:30, Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God.
  3. Ephesians 4:32, Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ, God forgave you.
  4. Ephesians 5:1-2, Be imitators of God… and live a life of love.

Assignment:

Complete the student handout sheet and place it in your journal.
Think of time when you were angry. Did it have to do with guilt, inferiority, fear or trauma?
Look for a time this week when you become angry and see if you can identify what is at the root of your anger.
Be prepared to share your observations next week in class.

Further Resources:

Beverly and Thomas Rogers, Healing Love; Ten Practical, Easy to Learn Techniques For Couples in Crises.
Gary Oliver and H. Norman Wright, When Anger Hits Home, Moody Press.
Mark Cosgrove, Counseling For Anger, Word Publishing, 1988.
Harville Hendrix, Keeping The Love You Find, 1992.
W. Doyle Gentry, Anger Free; Ten Basic Steps to Managing Your Anger, 1999.
Glenn Taylor and Rod Wilson, Helping Angry People, Baker Books, 1997.
Dr. Les Carter and Dr. Frank Minirth, The Anger Workbook, Thomas Nelson.

STUDENT HANDOUT SHEET

The case of Mike and Mandy:

Pretend for a moment that you are a marriage counselor. A couple, Mike and Mandy, present themselves for their first session with you. They are a middle-aged attractive couple who attend church regularly. They both seem well educated and articulate. In the course of your first interview with them, their conversation quickly becomes blaming, loud, and chaotic. Their heated discussion quickly erupts into a full-blown argument. It is very difficult for you to gain control of the conversation, because both are very adept at attacking and accusing the other person. Charges fly as each angrily accuses the other of being responsible for all of the problems. As the session progresses you can see very little is being done that is productive.

What would you do with a couple this troubled?

The "Old Brain”

Five Steps To Managing Conflict

Step One: Ask "What does my mate do that triggers my anger?” (Mandy might say, "When Bill criticizes me about being late, I feel put down and unloved.”)
Step Two: Identify the root of the anger using the GIFT Exercise.
1. The GIFT Exercise is a simple way of looking at the power behind the anger. Anger normally exists for some reason. GIFT stands for Guilt, Inferiority, Fear, or Trauma. Do any of these four exist in that person?
Step Three: "When have I felt that way before?” Mike might say when his father would criticize him for making bad grades, he would feel stupid and unable to meet his father's expectations.
Step Four: "What was my response?” Did I hold in my anger and frustration and eventually explode? Did I hold it in and get depressed? Did I get angry, yell or be passive aggressive? Do I rationalize and blame others?
Step Five: "What is it that I really need?” "What is it that I really need from my spouse?” "Do I need to be noticed, appreciated, or understood?” "Do I need to feel more secure in a relationship?”

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