Christian Home Builder - Lesson 11

The Strong Willed Spouse

Background Information for the Teacher

Objectives:

1. The student will be able to define strong willed behavior.
2. The student will be able to identify the characteristics of strong willed behavior.
3. The student will be able to list five effects of strong willed behavior.
4. The student will understand a program of work, to overcome strong willed behavior and what to do if one is married to a strong willed spouse.

Preparation:

1. The teacher will want to make copies of the "Identifications List of Strong Willed Behavior” for each member of the class.
2. The teacher may want to refer to the following books:
   1. The Strong Willed Adult, by Dennis L. Gibson, Baker Book House, Grand Rapids, MI.
   2. Living With A Perfectionist, by Dr. David Stouff, Oliver Nelson Publishers.
   3. Imperative People: Those Who Must Be In Control, by Dr. Les Carter, Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Theme:

To understand the impact of strong willed thinking and behavior on ones family and spiritual life.

Introduction:

1. Prayer and announcements.
2. Review of last week's lesson.
3. Questions:
   1. Have you ever met anyone who, "had to have their say and had to have their way?”
   2. What was it like working with this person?
   3. What was it like being a friend with this person?
   4. What was it like getting a job done with this person?
   5. What did this person's attitude due to others around them?
4. In this lesson, we are going to explore the unique effects that strong willed thinking and behavior has on the relationships in a family. These people live by the motto, "I deserve to have my say and my way.”

Learning Experiences:

1. A Working Definition:
   
   1. "Those whose need for control disrupts their closest relationships,” Dr. Les Carter.
   2. They tend to be imperative, controlling, commanding and direct.
   3. Their relationships tend to turn sour.
   4. They are so convinced of their correctness that they cannot tolerate people or events to the contrary.
   5. This is not type A behavior, which tends to be task driven but is not necessarily strong willed.
2. Strong Willed King Saul
   1. King Saul is an excellent Biblical example of a strong willed personality.
   2. He was strong willed with God. I Samuel 15:10ff.
   3. He was strong willed with his devoted son Jonathan. I Samuel 20:32ff.
   4. He was strong willed with David. I Samuel 19:9ff.
   5. His desire to control totally, led to his rejection by God as King of Israel. I Samuel 15:17-26.
3. The Strong Willed Adults Identification List, Dr. Les Carter, Imperative People:
   1. I hate to admit my weaknesses, even if they are obvious to others.
   2. I get irritated when other people make mistakes.
   3. I tend to use words like should, ought, must and can't when I talk to people.
   4. I tend to do an important job myself, because others might not do it right.
   5. I'm uncomfortable with ideas that are different from my own.
   6. Once I have formulated an opinion, I don't tend to change it.
   7. I stay away from people whose opinions are different from mine. I would rather let people have a false favorable impression of me rather than being open and vulnerable.
   8. When someone tells me about a personal problem, I feel I have to provide a solution.
   9. Before starting a project, I dwell on it constantly to be sure I'll do it just right.
   10. When someone else is in a foul mood, it puts me in a foul mood too.
   11. I have a mental list of standards people should meet before I accept them.
   12. I sometimes resent having to do so much for my family.
   13. I am uncomfortable when others share very personal emotions with me.
4. What are the effects of strong willed thinking and behavior?
   1. Rules for life, which are fine, are taken to an extreme.
   2. Rules for life may be wildly inconsistent from topic to topic or from person to person. Consistency is not necessarily key to their way of dealing with the world.
   3. They value performance over relationships. They would rather finish a project than spend time getting along with people. They often run roughshod over people. Once their mental agenda is set, watch out because it is difficult to change their mind.
   4. They are uncomfortable with ideas that differ from their own. These may be perceived as a threat to their ability or position.
   5. They may feel driven to do things because it is their duty, not because of love. They may be afraid to allow others the luxury of choice. They may feel obligated to force their requirements on others.
   6. They find it difficult to admit their own weaknesses. People may tease them about them feeling like they can never make a mistake.
   7. They are uncomfortable with others mistakes. Anything less than the best is disgusting to them.
   8. They are uncomfortable with their own emotions and the emotions of others. They may feel angry, fearful and worried a great deal of the time. They may also be beset by a false sense of guilt. An inner voice that consistently demands high levels of performance.
5. What can I do if I am a "strong willed spouse?”
   1. Begin with prayer and worship.
      1. Pray specifically about your behavior.
      2. Begin to understand that faith is based upon our special relationship with God, not upon the things we do out of duty.
   2. Remember the importance that Christ placed on relationships.
   3. Be a participant in at least one activity where someone else is in charge and makes the decisions.
   4. Do something for the sheer enjoyment of it, with no goals or competition.
   5. Give your spouse the expert power in several areas and leave them alone to make decisions without your interference.
   6. When you disagree with someone about something, resist the urge to ignore and dismiss them as stupid, interrupt them in the midst of their discussion, or rudely correct them and then go on about your way.
   7. Make a list of the people in your own life that have and do invest in you relationally and do not demand perfectionistic standards.
   8. Check your non-verbals for signs of hostility or rejection of others.
   9. Admit one mistake per week to someone else.
   10. Go for influencing others and give up the need to control their decisions. Come to understand that, "I have an important role, but not the final say” in the decisions and actions that others make.
6. What do I do if I am dealing with a strong willed person?
   1. Keep your personal boundaries in tact. Remember personal boundaries are defensive and not offensive. To say no or disagree with someone else, is not an attack.
   2. If you feel you are being trapped by a strong willed person, pull away and disengage quickly before the situation becomes emotional.
   3. Some "raging bulls” who are very strong willed, respond to "bopping.” Bopping is the verbal, not physical, act of stopping someone forcefully from inflicting their ideas, judgements or criticisms upon you. It very firmly lets them know that you will not be controlled by them. It gets its name from bopping a raging bull on the nose to stop it and get its attention.
   4. Phrases to use in order to disengage would include:
      1. "I'm sorry you feel that way.”
      2. "Thank you for expressing your feelings to me.”
      3. "I'll have to think about that.”
      4. "You may be right.”
      5. "I'm sorry to hear that.”
      6. If you feel trapped by their questions try, "I'm not sure” or " I wish I knew” or "I wonder.”
      7. Exercise a bold calmness. Sometimes silence or a very quiet response can defuse a situation or prevent it from escalating farther than one would like it to.

Assignment:

1. In your journal entries, the student will want to include the survey on the Identification List of strong willed individuals, by Dr. Les Carter.

Further Resources:

1. The Strong Willed Adult, by Dennis L. Gibson, Baker Book House, Grand Rapids, MI.
2. Living With A Perfectionist, by Dr. David Stouff, Oliver Nelson Publishers.
3. Imperative People; Those Who Must Be In Control, by Dr. Les Carter, Thomas Nelson Publishers.

The Strong Willed Adults Identification List

1. I hate to admit my weaknesses, even if they are obvious to others.
2. I get irritated when other people make mistakes.
3. I tend to use words like "should,” "ought,” "must,” and "can't” when I talk to people.
4. I tend to do an important job myself, because others might not do it right.
5. I'm uncomfortable with ideas that are different from my own.
6. Once I have formulated an opinion, I don't tend to change it.
7. I stay away from people whose opinions are different from mine.
8. I would rather let people have a false favorable impression of me rather than being open and vulnerable.
9. When someone tells me about a personal problem, I feel I have to provide a solution.
10. Before starting a project, I dwell on it constantly to be sure I'll do it just right.
11. When someone else is in a foul mood, it puts me in a foul mood too.
12. I have a mental list of standards people should meet before I accept them.
13. I sometimes resent having to do so much for my family.
14. I am uncomfortable when others share very personal emotions with me.

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